DIARY OF A TYPICAL NIGERIAN HOUSEWIFE. (VOL. 1)

NOBODY TOLD ME!!!

“I love you,” he says as he kisses me goodbye. I am on tiptoe, in my tiny scrap of lingerie, kissing him back and mumbling the same thing.
“Have a great day, honey,” I am saying just before he grabs me suddenly and gives me a passionate kiss. His hands roam my body and he groans,”I wish I could call in sick today so I’d stay home and…”
At that I begin to pray in Jesus name that he doesn’t do that. Stay at home ke? After all we did last night and early this morning, he wants to continue? In Jesus name, fire! I’m praying in tongues in my mind.
He adjusts himself and says, “you this woman, you won’t kill me.”
“I can’t kill you darling I can only please you. But I thought you were scheduled to have a meeting at ten?”
“True, true,” he replies as he rushes out. Only then do I release my breath.
Na wa for mumsie o! Mumsie never told me it would be like this. Morning, afternoon, evening and night. The man no dey tire at all. Oh boy, na wah o!
Funny enough, my man had always been patient, loving and respectful of all the boundaries I’d set while we were dating. Omo! After wedding, story changed. The morning, night and midnight romps were starting to get to me. I complained to a friend who gave a few tips and wished me luck, saying relationship straf is different from marriage straf. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a moderate amount of the ish. But my strength is tested after the relentless assault of two boisterous kids and the unending chores that come with running a home. Furthermore, my husband is a stallion! No be small tin o!
I have come to realize that there is a lot stuff no one warns you about. Take for instance the shopping. What’s with that? I love shopping but I won’t do it every day! I’m sure you are wondering how come I have to do it so frequently. You see, when its just you and your husband, its simple. Maybe you’ll shop every weekend. But once you have kids, and I’ve got twins, its not a yam anymore. There is always something you forgot to buy or something you’d bought that has suddenly run out. Sometimes the items sound silly. I need finger batteries, baby jelly, a pack of blades, sweet potatoes, onions, etc. The buying never stops. Ever! On top of that, the man will complain that you are spending all his money.
Let me get to that. I am constantly in the process of defending myself against budget cuts and always trying to influence an increase in my monthly allocation. My husband had removed subsidy a long time ago. Had I known, I would have carried out strategic protests –bottom power -ish. The money is never enough I tell you. For instance, when I get to the market and cocoa is N50 more expensive, soap is N20 more expensive, etc., where do I get the difference from? Mr Husby won’t understand. Truth be told, my husband isn’t a bad man but I guess providing for us all is beginning to take its toll. How I for do now? Its not my fault the banks were laying people off. Silly girl like me, I finished my savings shortly after, on ‘gbogbo bigz girls’ tins. I wasn’t going to lay off on the Prada and Louis just because of a minor setback, I thought. However, getting a new job hasn’t proven easy so I’m here struggling with my responsibilities and trying to be unhurt when my husband complains.
I am thanking God that I am home alone and free from the ‘Mummy this’ ‘Mummy that’. Sweet bliss! I dropped the twins off at my in-laws yesterday because they had been hounding me to see ‘their babies’. Its almost frustrating how they go on about that. Now in-laws, you get plenty of warning about. What’s funny is, every gurl has her own unique horror story. They ask you to be careful of the mother all the time. No one warns you about the fathers, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts. No one warns you that when your sister-in-law is getting married, you have to kiss everyone in the *** and practically play house-maid, on top of which, you will still be the target of one insult or another. In my case, “She is too arrogant. Is it because she was a banker? No wonder she was fired, when we are done tormenting her, she’ll cool down.” Its unfortunate. I am shaking my head. It is truly sad that we stay just two streets away from my husband’s parents. It feels like we live together. That won’t be for long if I can help it.
I sigh as I think of all the chores before me. I’ve got a huge pile of toddlers clothes to wash. I’ve got to sweep and mop, clear the dishes, wash some of my clothes and cook.
I haven’t had my morning bath so I take off my lingerie and take slow steps to the kitchen thanking God again that my husband has gone to work. No distractions. I put a kettle of water to boil, enter the living room to stretch out on my favourite armchair, quite comfortable in my nakedness. I doze off. Suddenly the door flings open and my husband pops his head in. “He…lloooooooo” he sings, drinking in my appearance, with his wide smile turning wicked and his eyes dilating fast. I jump up quite startled.
“Baby is everything ok?” I ask.
“Wonderful love, meeting cancelled, I got the day off”
“Say what!” I smile brightly and then scream inside “SAY WHAT!” as he reaches for me, his shirt already off. Here we go again…